In today’s society, due to the fierce competition for survival, fathers in ordinary families are busy working hard, and the important task of caring for families and educating children mostly falls on the shoulders of mothers alone. However, the weakening or disappearance of the role of fathers caused by this is very unfavorable to the growth of children. As a competent father, how should we improve?
My wife sometimes criticizes me. He said that although I studied developmental psychology, I did not do many things that were beneficial to my children. In and out of my words, I was criticized for being superficial.
Perhaps in her eyes, I am like many young fathers in China:
- In the matter of taking care of children, at best, it is to play, wash diapers and mop the floor. It is still impossible to prioritize when giving up mobile phones, computers, football matches, games and beer. Tired when I came back from work, I collapsed on the sofa and had no interaction with the children. On weekends, I either work overtime or study. When I go out to play, I seldom remind me to pay attention to safety like my mother.
But I don’t think I’m a bad dad.
A good father should have his own characteristics.
To be a cool and good father, the most important quality is to have the consciousness of “doing your best” in the process of raising children.
Or use their special skills and feelings, or use their own occupation and status-washing clothes, cooking, washing pots and mopping the floor, these common things between husband and wife, not to say that men should not do or cannot do, but this is not necessarily the direction they really deserve to work for.
I am not excusing fathers, but we should realize that:
The [good father] the child needs is not a [good mother] who has changed gender.
Good fathers can have different advantages. For example, two fathers may behave differently in their upbringing, either kindness or strictness, but they may still be [good fathers].
Father’s love should have personality. My deskmate in primary school is extremely proud that his father is a policeman. Although his father gets up early and gets greedy every day, he has few opportunities to get along with him, but he does not lack psychological recognition of father’s love.
[Father’s Efficiency] Is what Meaning?
The U.S. Department of Health has published a book entitled “The Importance of Fathers in Children’s Healthy Development”. This book is not a guide to fatherhood, but is mainly used by professionals to evaluate [fatherhood effectiveness].
Many people feel that they have raised their children in vain. If the children want what to give them to what, they will be willing to spend more money on their children-[Father’s Efficiency] Should they be off the charts?
However, father’s efficiency does not mean that you earn 100 yuan and invest 99 yuan in your children. Father’s efficiency refers to how much positive influence your material and spiritual can bring to your children.
For example, if you have 100 million yuan, you have given it all to your child, but it may not have a better impact on the child than giving him 10 million yuan. Fathers should not simply limit the index of father’s effectiveness to the ability to support the family.
What are the aspects of [father’s effectiveness]?
In order to be a good father, you actually have more to do.
For example, the first indicator of [father’s efficacy] is to cultivate a positive relationship with the mother of the child.
Be a good father, With being a good husband, Not only is it not contradictory, It is also a complementary thing. In the micro family, The relationship and situation of any two people, They are all affecting the psychological state of the third person. While striving to optimize the relationship between father and son and father and daughter, From the perspective of the relationship between husband and wife, beating around the bush and using ingenuity are also very important efforts. Children are much happier to see their parents get along well with each other than to get a large amount of pocket money every month from their parents who have broken up their relationships and do not pay attention to raising them.
In addition to the above mentioned, other [fatherhood] in the manual include: accompanying children, properly disciplining, guiding children to the outside world, protecting children and becoming models for children.
How to implement it?
STEP 1 Provide emotional companionship
If dad’s work is busy and time is too expensive, he may not be able to come at once, but emotional ties must not be broken. With children or phone calls, or videos, or gifts-father in life, even if he cannot appear from time to time, he must leave enough contact and traces.
The following is my own story:
When I was four or five years old, Father often travels on business, One walk is ten days and a half months. Just entered the 1990s, the network has not yet been popularized, mobile phones have not yet walked out of the circle of rich people, and there are still several years before the widespread popularity of BB machines. In order to bear the healthy development of the whole family, my father who always runs to the railway station had to experience short but frequent deficiencies in my life.
Until one business trip, My dad left a tape, Inside he was unable to sleep the night before, When I saw the cassette recorder at home, I recorded a fairy tale he told me on a whim. I clearly remember that the story, which was not mainstream, was called < < Little Starling and Big Pumpkin > >, because I listened to it countless times over and over again in the next two years. Soon, he recorded more and I listened more.
Frankly speaking, I have forgotten whether I missed my father when he was on a business trip, but to this day, I still remember that it was a beautiful thing to hear his exaggerated voice when he was not around.
Maybe you, like me, can’t copy my father’s storytelling level, but we can learn from him to provide company in the process of raising children.
2. Creating a Positive Image
This is the way I pay more attention in the process of raising my own children, because I am good at it.
(1) In front of children, being a father can have its own characteristics, but the image must be positive.
Many fathers have a bad relationship with their children, largely because once the father appears, it means nothing to the children. Many fathers portray themselves as evil or long-term tenants of hotels.
One of my junior high school classmates, his father and his most contact form, is after his mother complained, ran to the Internet cafe to drag him out, mention his father scared pants. This kind of interaction, can cultivate how’s father-son relationship is self-evident.
Being friendly, getting along well and talking well are prerequisites for people to like you.
The same is true for sons and daughters. Only in this way can they have the will to obey your discipline.
(2) When accompanying children, what is most helpful for fathers to shape their images is to bring children good emotional feelings.
Typical situations in which both parents and children can participate and stimulate good emotions include outdoor activities, sports activities, eating and curiosity-related activities such as visiting museums.
Because of these activities, it is easy to make people happy, and at the same time it also leaves enough space for father to participate wholeheartedly.
However, an originally good thing is likely to spoil the scenery because of some parents’ practices and words. For example, [let’s go out to play today, then you go home and write a diary] or [look at who’s younger brother and how sensible people are].
Since you come out to play, have fun and don’t take the opportunity to teach your children a lesson in the name of playing.
Good seedlings do not worry about growth. Don’t focus on the cultivation and improvement of what in a utilitarian way. Only when everyone is really happy can children connect their father with the present joy.
The above two suggestions are worth trying during the whole growth stage of your child. However, if your child is over five years old, it is necessary to refer to the following points as a father.
3. Deep parent-child interaction
In the parent-child interaction between the mother and the child, the mother plays a more important role as the provider of resources. The child takes the mother as the center of the circle and moves within a certain radius. If you are tired of playing, you can come to find it. If you are hungry, you can come to find it. If you want to go home, you can come to find it.
However, in the parent-child interaction between the father and the child, the intensity of the above role has decreased a lot. The father plays more the comrade-in-arms, military adviser, bodyguard and even messenger who the children advance and retreat with in the activity.
Compared with mothers, fathers are more suitable for physical interaction with their children. Sports, on the other hand, can combine the elements of cooperation and competition to optimize the parent-child relationship. However, children need teammates, not rambling instructors, angry coaches and cheerleaders who pretend to be enthusiastic.
It is more meaningful to have parent-child interaction with children as cooperators, and on the basis of cooperation, to participate in competition with children as a community instead of competing with children.
In an experiment in 2000, people were divided into three groups by two or two formations. They were asked to carry balloons on their backs to reach the finish line in a pipe composed of foam plastic and air cushions without hands.
Group a’s task is [to complete their own tasks in the required order], Group B’s task is [two people enter the pipeline together and complete the tasks through cooperation], and Group C’s task is added to Group B’s task [there is also a pair of experimental participants in the next room, you need to compete with them who completes the tasks faster].
In these three cases, the degree of intimacy and trust between the two people have been improved, with Group C having the best effect and Group B taking second place.
Working together to do a thing not only brings the child [I am useful] feeling, but also emphasizes the physical and psychological connection with his father. At the same time, when cooperation and competition are combined, people will be more attentive, more involved and more emphasis on cooperation-thus, it also plays a better role in cultivating positive emotions and relationships.
If it is for the purpose of improving the parent-child relationship, please follow the following selection principles when excluding personality preferences in the choice of parent-child interaction:
- Quiet is not as good as active, The effect of playing chess is not as good as skating together. Those who do not cooperate are not as good as those who watch a movie together are not as good as those who finish a model together. Those who have no purpose are not as good as those who have a purpose, and the effect of wandering is not as good as visiting museums. Those who do not compete are not as good as those who compete, and the effect of practicing shooting is not as good as participating in basketball matches.
Be a father, be smart, and don’t always follow the standard of being a mother. You can’t compete with your enthusiastic, motivated and conscientious wife. You need to find a path that your children agree with and be a father who tries his best.
Responsible Editor: BruceLi