When children play together, there will inevitably be contradictions. When there are contradictions, some children like to solve problems with their fists.
Some parents will inevitably feel a little secretly pleased when they see that their children are the beating party instead of the beating party. They feel that it is not easy to be bullied and will definitely not suffer when they grow up.
However, is this really the case?
You don’t care if your child hits you, the consequences will be very serious.
What adverse effects will it have on children if they are allowed to hit them?
1. Poor interpersonal relationship and low social adaptability
Missouri State University in the United States in a psychological study on children’s social relationships, After a summer camp, 20 children were asked to evaluate the goodwill rating of other small partners in the summer camp respectively (for example, [who do you like to play with best and who do you dislike least, please queue up your small partners according to their favorite to least favorite…]), and give the reasons for such evaluation.
After synthesizing the evaluation of all children, the researchers obtained the [social situation] of the children in this summer camp.
In the children’s [voting], those aggressive and unsociable little guys will always be the excluded objects of their circle of friends.
Other studies have shown that children who are excluded due to destructive behaviors and aggressiveness are at risk of psychological disorders in adulthood and show various maladjustment in schools: skipping classes, bullying, and the proportion of poor schooling is as high as 74%.
Piaget’s developmental psychology points out that peers play a vital role in children’s social development.
In the process of communicating with other children, Whether children are popular, excluded and neglected among peers, and the position of children in peer communication, are obviously related to the social development of children as adults. That is to say, children who are popular in the group now will become popular in the social development of adults in the future.
After reading these studies, will parents still think that their children will not suffer in the future if they hit people?
2. The sooner children learn to hit people, the harder it will be to get rid of them in the future.
The behavior that a child learns when he is very young will often accompany him all his life. If a child develops the bad habit of hitting people at an early age, it will be difficult for him to get rid of it when he grows up.
Therefore, when children are found to have the habit of hitting people at any time, they should stop and correct it as early as possible.
3. Learn the right way to deal with contradictions.
Some parents even teach their babies to deal with conflicts [tit for tat] and call them back when they are beaten.
In doing so, the baby is instilled with the wrong idea that attacking others is the best way to deal with conflicts. Whenever things do not suit him, the baby will attack. For those babies who are weak by nature, they will think it is normal to be bullied and become more weak as a result.
Children who have been nurtured by this kind of education for a long time cannot learn how to deal with contradictions correctly and are more likely to have various social obstacles in the future.
The consequences are still very serious if children hit you and you are in trouble.
The following are wrong demonstrations. Parents must avoid such behaviors:
1. Simple and rough
Don’t ask why, simply stop children from fighting and scold their children to show their fairness or vent their displeasure.
Consequences:
The child may think in his heart: [You don’t even ask me why I fought, just scold me, hum, what did I do wrong? You never understand me! I hate you! ]
As a result, the children not only did not realize their mistakes, but also turned their anger to their parents.
2. Huduzi type
Scare or scold each other’s children. Parents find their children fighting with other children, especially when they feel that their children have suffered losses, they frighten each other’s children: [If you fight with so-and-so in my family again, I will…] to show that they are angry for their children.
Consequences:
The child may think in his heart: [Ha ha, with my father/mother covering me, I will bully whoever I want in the future.]
As a result, the child learned to bully others.
3. Parents’ Dry Type
Seeing their children bullied, they quarreled and scolded each other’s parents and became [enemies].
Consequences:
The child will think in his heart: [Don’t you also rely on your fist to solve the conflicts between your father/mother and others? It seems that I am absolutely right in this method.]
As a result, the child accepted the parents’ [words and deeds] and continued to use violence to solve the problem.
What should you do when children fight?
1. Put aside contradictions and appease the first
In psychological counseling, the first step to resolve conflicts is always [dealing with emotions first, then problems].
If their children beat others, parents need to appease each other’s children’s emotions and apologize to each other’s parents and children in the first place.
But at the same time, don’t scold your children indiscriminately. After the conflict, your children’s emotions will also fluctuate greatly, so what needs to be done next is to appease your children’s emotions, and then give them appropriate education or criticism when their emotions are stable.
2. Let children express their anger on a case-by-case basis.
Parents should only analyze the incident itself, not give the incident a preconceived conclusion and blindly judge who is right and who is wrong, but should give children a chance to express their anger and dissatisfaction.
The first child will tell the reason for the fight, and the beaten child will also blame the other party and explain himself. Parents need to create an equal space for children to communicate and let children sort out their behaviors.
It is also possible to construct an imaginary situation for the child, repeat the facts, let the child experience that different solutions will have different results for the development of things, and let the child realize that besides controlling violence with violence, there are better ways to solve the problem.
3. No matter intentionally or unintentionally, the injury should be stopped.
Attack is a kind of destructive act, which is a kind of injury to the attacked party under any circumstances. Therefore, no matter whether the child carries out the attack unintentionally or intentionally, it should be stopped.
If the child’s unintentional injury behavior is not dealt with, it is easy for the child to establish the wrong connection between [behavior-consequence], that is, the attack behavior produces the injury result, but he will not be punished. In the long run, the child will be indifferent to the injury and lead to tragedy.
Therefore, the correct way to deal with the problem is to clarify the problem in time, tell the child that even unintentional behavior will cause harm to others, and also need to make an apology, and put forward reasonable requirements for the child’s behavior, so as to guide the child to form good behavior habits.
Avoid children fighting and do their job well at ordinary times.
In addition to giving comfort and education when children hit people, in normal times, parents should also do [save my body three times a day].
A province: Did you do it by word and deed?
We often say that parents’ behavior is an example for their children, and children will demand themselves in the same way as their parents’ behavior. If parents do not agree with each other, they will undoubtedly set a wrong example for their children.
In addition, if a child often watches TV programs with violent and fighting scenes, he may imitate the violent scenes in TV programs and commit violent acts. Therefore, it is necessary for parents to help their children choose healthy cartoons and TV programs, watch TV with their children, and tell them the truth.
Second Province: Have you heard the child’s voice?
When you hear that your child has hit someone outside, don’t scold him without asking what. Sometimes there may be [proper reasons] for the child to hit someone. Parents should first ask the reason for the child’s fight before educating him.
For example, if a child only moves because a weak classmate is bullied by other children and is aggrieved, then the first thing parents should do is to affirm his [sense of justice] and then guide him to learn the correct way to deal with it.
Three Provinces: Have you trusted the child’s ability to do things?
Although we say that parents cannot ignore children’s beating, sometimes we can really let go a little and let children try to solve conflicts by themselves.
Beating people is still a minor conflict. When children grow up in the future, they will face more conflicts in society. Whether children can bear and solve conflicts perfectly depends on whether they have the ability to bear conflicts independently when they are young.
When a child faces the conflict of fighting, the way he finds out to get along with others will become the basis for him to establish relationships with others as an adult.
Therefore, when we hear that the child beat others outside, we can see what the child will do, and then we will put forward some suggestions without showing any trace to guide the child’s correct behavior.
Parents, do you know what to do when you encounter the problem of children hitting people again?