When people reach middle age, they watch their children grow up gradually, only to find that the distance is getting farther and farther away.
I always thought that children should become mature and obedient after adolescent rebellion, but the reality does not seem to be the case.
In the middle of this, what happened?
Gradually estranged from the children…
A few days ago, Old Lady Zhang next door complained to me.
Old Madam Zhang went to the new house to see her son Xiao Zhang, who was preparing to get married, and then noticed that Xiao Zhang had not hung curtains on the windows.
[Oh, oh, how can young people do it without curtains? Let me cut you one! ]
[Mom, don’t be busy. What if you cut it and don’t match the decoration? ]
Old Madam Zhang is a little disappointed.
At this time, Xiao Zhang’s girlfriend came back with brisk steps, carrying several large shopping bags full of newly bought curtains.
Old Madam Zhang almost cried.
[My son doesn’t take what I said seriously at all. He doesn’t want me to be nearby. I really married a daughter-in-law and forgot my mother. I have raised such a big child for nothing! This is what the old lady said.
On the other side next door is Lao Wang, 60 years old, the problem is more serious than Old Lady Zhang.
[My ex-wife and I waited until the children became independent before we divorced, which was bitter enough. But after our divorce, the children ignored me at all. I think they hate me.]
Misunderstanding or illusion?
When chatting with people of this age, I found this phenomenon is common. They often feel anxious and overwhelmed when dealing with their children.
[The distance between the children and me suddenly widened. They would not ask me for help even if they had something to do. Can you help me educate them? ]
However, in this level of social relations, we cannot solve this problem just by enlightening our children. We also need to calm down.
For example, sometimes children just send text messages to objects: [I like you, but I don’t want to stick together like glue.] However, we may think that there is full of uncertainty: how can this work, it must score points.
Then I told my children some truth, only to find that they could not understand that we were afraid of what.
Our worries are like storms in teapots. Our exaggerated and overreaction is not a major event in what, but to outsiders-it cannot be seen at all.
When children begin to become independent, it is normal to have differences with our ideas. As adults, they should start their own lives instead of receiving care and control from all aspects of their parents.
[Then tell me, what should I do? ] Old Madam Zhang asked.
For the relationship with children, it is enough to remember these 7 rules.
1. Don’t treat your children as old friends
You can go over and over with your old friends the anecdotes of Hu Kan’s battle with his boss when he was young, and you can also chat about the results of the recent mammogram examination. However, your children may not like such topics.
They don’t necessarily want to hear these personal stories that they have heard countless times and are not interested in, but this is not because they are selfish. As we get older, they grow up, of course, they will care about different things.
2. Children don’t always want to chat
Maybe when they were young, they could always give you a text message in the first place. However, when you go to college or work, even if you carefully avoid their class and work hours, WeChat messages sent to them are often like a stone sinking into the sea, and it takes several days to respond.
They just feel that the things around them are more fresh than their parents’ trivial daily life. But rest assured, they still love you.
3. Allow them to dominate the relationship with us
Now we should encourage our children to stick to their views. They are adults and can decide to get along with us in what.
We raised them to make them follow their own enthusiasm and wishes, not to worship and knock at the past dogma.
4. Don’t compare yourself to the other half of your children
[Tell you the result in three words: you will lose.] I said to Old Lady Zhang.
Old lady Zhang thought for a moment, understood, and then told me: “I still think my son should listen to me. Later, I realized two things, one is that his girlfriend will spend more time with him than I do, the other is that who is more interesting between me and his girlfriend, my son will definitely choose his girlfriend.”
When we see children looking for partners, we often subconsciously look for [a housekeeper], but they do not want this. The more complaints we complain about the other half of our children, the further away we are.
This may be painful, but it is also the taste of life. Let them go.
5. Treat them like adults
If you often talk to them like children, [why do you still have acne? Why didn’t you eat well? Why haven’t you come home yet? You may never be able to maintain a good relationship with them.
If children have grown up and still regard solving the problems their parents tell them as their only thinking, the [switch] of their life has been turned off.
If you need the company of your children, you may as well tell them in another way, for example: “Let’s do something interesting at noon. How about having dinner together?” ]
6. Sit down and have a good talk
[If you really feel the problem, have a good talk with the children. It is better to start talking about the matter from an emotional point of view.] I said to Lao Wang next door.
A few days later, Lao Wang next door said this:
[I later told the children how difficult it was before I divorced my wife. I didn’t want to recall all the details, but there were many reasons.]
[We talked a lot, and at last the children stopped blaming me and getting angry with me. This was a misunderstanding from the beginning.]
7. Live your life with your heart
This is the most important point. If we take adult children as everything, it will become a huge burden.
We need to fill our life with hobbies and enthusiasm, playing chess, tai chi and square dancing. If our own life is colorful enough, we will be happier when we meet our children.
In other words, the more wonderful our life is, the more interesting we will be and the more interesting our children will find us.
Parents who feel alienated can try our tips to see which one works best. We also need to refrain from some habits, such as making phone calls when something happens.
If we want to get closer to our adult children, here is another small suggestion: listen carefully to their complaints. If these complaints are true, is there any what that can be improved by itself?
In any case, children are our teachers in the matter of young mentality.