Recently, some parents asked me: there are differences between husband and wife on whether to praise or criticize their children more. One of the reasons behind this is to protect their children’s self-esteem and the other is not to let their children blx. Is how better?
I think the starting point of both parents is to hope that their children can be more capable of facing difficulties or challenges.
The connotation of this ability is very wide and can be divided into two levels, including basic intelligence, physical ability and [operational ability] related to specific problems. There is also the [psychological ability] that the parents’ differences focus on.
Is what [Operational Ability]?
Faced with a difficult situation, the child is like falling into a pit. The specific [operation ability] to solve the difficult situation is like the ladder, rope and how to use these tools needed to climb out of the pit.
These [necessary conditions for climbing out of the pit] are not what children will learn and master when they are born. The degree of learning and mastery often varies from child to child and from age to age.
When a child is in trouble, the first thing parents should evaluate is whether the child’s current ability to overcome difficulties and the help he can get to overcome difficulties are sufficient.
If there is a certain gap, it is necessary to teach children some methods through demonstration, such as providing children with some auxiliary tools or parents to give them a hand.
If this gap is so big that it is difficult for children to surmount it at present, then this time they need direct help from their parents and consciously look for opportunities to exercise.
Otherwise, the child can only cry in despair in the pit: [male and female servants can’t do it! ]
What is [psychological ability]?
Psychological ability in the face of difficulties is another necessary condition.
I subdivided this psychological process into three aspects.
1. Why [go]?
[Why did I have to crawl over it with so much effort and suffering? ]
The famous German philosopher Nietzsche has a famous saying [He who has a reason to live can bear almost any how], which means [a person can bear almost any kind of life if he has a reason to live].
And that reason is the beauty pursued in my heart.
Small said, can be in order to finally pop up their favorite tune, and endure boring practice; It can be said that during the turbulent years, a mother endured the humiliation of being criticized in order to raise her children and lived.
This ability needs guidance.
2. I believe I can [pass]
If a person’s past experience tells him that his efforts almost always come to naught and end in failure, then he will give up very easily.
The child needs to experience many successful experiences to help him build self-confidence and believe that he will always get out of trouble whether he climbs or endures.
The ability in this regard needs encouragement and help.
3. Before [the past], I can bear it
In difficult situations, both adults and children will definitely feel the pressure.
At this time, we need not only enough endurance to prevent ourselves from collapsing or giving up halfway, but also enough endurance to ensure that we have enough mental strength to keep our brains and bodies functioning.
Endurance requires stress over and over again, just like long-distance running.
This ability requires [cruel] letting go.
How can parents help their children?
How can parents help their children develop their psychological ability to resist setbacks?
My attitude is: there is no need to specially [create difficulties]. Parents use a good parent-child relationship to accompany their children to face the natural difficulties in life and gradually let go.
1. What is a good parent-child relationship?
In a good parent-child relationship, parents are the warm safe harbor for children and the source of their children’s sense of self-worth.
Children feel that they are important, beautiful and valuable in their parents’ hearts, so they form a belief that I am good, my parents are good, and the world is also good.
With such beauty in my heart, the child has the reason to [bear the difficult life], the hope and confidence to survive, and the comfort to help the child endure the pressure himself.
2. How is [accompanying children to face difficulties]?
This should be divided into two aspects. First, let’s talk about how’s wrong approach.
Accompany children to face difficulties, that is not the difficulties that children have to face.
If belittling and humiliating criticism is often used to [create difficulties] for children, the parent-child relationship will be destroyed, thus the children’s psychological ability to overcome difficulties will also be destroyed.
Accompanying the child to face the difficult situation is not to completely protect the child behind him and face the difficult situation for him.
In this way, children have no experience of failure, but they also have no experience of success.
So, is how [accompanying children to face difficulties]?
Accompanying children to face difficulties is to accompany children’s hearts with parents’ hearts.
Just like a child is ill, parents will seek medical treatment, but they will accompany the child warmly, optimistically and calmly to bear the suffering in the difficult recovery process, instead of anxiously eager to bear the suffering instead of the child.
Just like a child has a behavior problem, not knowing how to properly manage his own behavior is the dilemma the child faces. Parents will use necessary behavior management methods to help, but parents will accompany the anger, frustration and other emotions generated in the process of behavior restraint through a warm and receptive attitude.
The idea behind this is to face the problem of children. Parents should see that this problem is a problem faced by parents with their children, while the children themselves are not a problem.
Then, in the process of handling, even if parents and children have behavioral collisions, the parents are not targeting the children in the collision, the children’s personality is protected, and the emotions are taken care of and accompanied.
3. Natural Dilemma in Life-Don’t Be Too Rich!
Children will naturally encounter many difficulties in their daily life, such as:
The baby was hungry and pulled, but did not know how to tell his parents.
When I went to kindergarten, I loathe to give up my mother’s separation anxiety.
There is no way to get what you want immediately.
With my friends, I found myself not the most noticeable.
Lost a beloved pet;
- I did not do what I promised my parents, and I need to bear the agreed responsibilities. … …
In fact, to exercise children’s anti-setback ability, the natural difficulties in life are extremely rich. It is neither necessary to protect them too much in these situations, try to solve problems for children through direct intervention, nor need to deliberately create difficulties, in order to exercise [anti-setback ability] and [exercise anti-setback ability].
The ability to resist setbacks can be an incidental gain in the process of cultivating children’s healthy behavior habits, respecting themselves and others, and teaching children to make their own choices and take responsibility.
Deliberately created difficulties will easily make children confused about whether their parents are people who bring harm to themselves, or people who give themselves safety and strength, and the causal connection between overcoming this difficulties and their inner motivation.
Step 4 Let go
Children need to have successful experiences in facing difficulties again and again.
The [success] mentioned here contains at least two meanings:
- It has successfully endured the pain of this process. It is also a success to reach the other side of happiness.
This is a step-by-step process. When parents accompany their children to face difficulties, they need to give them more opportunities to exercise as their children grow up, and they should protect their children at any time to avoid irreparable harm.
In order to grasp this degree, on the one hand, it is best to learn more about the general development laws of children, and more importantly, to learn the uniqueness of one’s own children in company.