On weekends, when you are busy in the kitchen, you see the father of the child in the living room collapsed on the sofa playing with his cell phone, while the 2-year-old child is watching TV attentively…….
An irrepressible anger rushed to your forehead. You angrily pulled the child in front of the TV and began to criticize her husband loudly for not paying attention to the children… However, her husband felt inexplicably offended and quarreled with you. The children on the side were frightened by the furious you and cried.
When you hear the child crying in fear, you feel very regretful at this time…….
We have been hearing such a voice:
[Even if you are angry again, don’t quarrel in front of your children, because quarrels between parents will hurt your children.]
It is true that quarrelling in front of children can affect their physical and mental health, but this does not mean that they cannot quarrel in front of children. It depends mainly on the way they quarrel. Sometimes, quarrelling in front of children may still be a good thing.
Today, Clove’s mother invited Qin Nan, a mental health teacher, to talk to everyone about the quarrels in front of the children.
It’s not as bad as you think when children quarrel with each other.
Indeed, parents quarreled in front of the baby, It can have a negative impact on the baby. Babies have almost adult auditory responses, They will distinguish whether the voice represents comfort, vigilance or pain. Seeing parents quarrelling, some babies will worry that the party being scolded will be sad, while some babies will mistakenly think that the quarrel is caused by themselves, fearing that parents will be angry with themselves, thus feeling guilty. Often in this uneasy environment, children’s hearts will become very anxious.
Since quarrels will affect children’s physical and mental health, does it mean that as long as we [do not quarrel in front of children], we will not hurt children? Or for the sake of the child’s health, to create the illusion of [everything is all right], it doesn’t matter if parents hold it back in their hearts?
It’s the other way around.
If both parents quarrel behind their children’s backs, or clearly tell the children during the Cold War [we are not quarrelling], it will reduce the children’s trust in their parents, and will also make the children doubt their own cognition, which will affect their future handling of their relationship with others.
Instead of whitewashing the quarrel by [everything is fine], admit the difference and propose solutions. Don’t deceive the child when the difference cannot be resolved. The process of trying to solve the problem is also beneficial to everyone in the family.
According to children’s experts, [We need to let children know that even happy couples have different opinions and anger is only a reasonable emotion.] After giving children a reasonable explanation for quarrels, we need to let children understand that quarrels are a part of life, which does not mean that parents do not like each other, quarrels are only a way to solve problems.
Necessary principles in quarrelling
Although adults can quarrel in front of their children, this quarrel should not be importune, but should follow the necessary principles. The next time you quarrel in front of your children, I hope you will remember the following points:
1. Talk about things as they are, not people.
Always use [I] to start a conversation and express your feelings about things, such as this:
[I felt very upset when I saw you give the baby snacks immediately after the meal.]
This is better than [we have discussed it thousands of times! But you never listen to me! ]
Don’t use words like [always] and [never]. Simply putting your partner on the opposite side will only add fuel to the fire.
Step 2: Don’t let your children stand in line
It is very irrational to let the child choose whether to have a father or a mother, which is equivalent to putting the child among the parents to make a choice. Such behavior makes the child feel very insecure and will feel guilty to the other party after the choice. The behavior of letting the child stand in line is more harmful to the child than quarrelling.
3. Don’t try to win.
Look at arguments as objectively as possible and treat them as just problems to be solved. If parents respect each other’s views during disputes, children will see that there is more than one way to solve the problem and know that compromise is not necessarily a bad thing.
4. Pay attention to the baby’s state
Similar to adults, children express anxiety in different ways. When they feel conflict, some children will avoid, blindfolded, blindfolded or run out of the room. When seeing these behaviors occur, parents are also asked to stop their quarrels first.
5. Let children see their parents resolve a conflict,
If parents can solve the problem quickly when quarrelling, This fight may also be of some benefit to children. Children will know that things need to be discussed frequently. Everyone has different opinions. They should learn to find a balance between the two sides instead of fighting for who wins or loses. Of course, don’t forget to give children a reasonable explanation before telling them this.
6. Timely comfort is more important
If the quarrel is too fierce, the children must be properly appeased so as not to keep them in a state of worry and fear. If so, apology is not impossible.
7. Flawed families are far more conducive to growth than perfect families.
If there is no quarrel in the family, it will always be peaceful, which will make children lose the opportunity to learn how to deal with conflicts. Therefore, don’t deliberately hide and cover up conflicts, but try to learn how to deal with and face them.
It is best not to quarrel with children on these topics.
1. Economic pressure
The conversation in front of the child must be concise and specific, not full of anxiety. When necessary, convey to the child that although the economy is tight, it is enough to take care of you.
2. Important decisions
Maintaining a united front can maintain the relationship between parents and children, and can also prevent children from playing one against the other. Important parenting decisions can be discussed while children sleep.
3. Anything [possible]
Don’t mention [we may have to move] or [dad may lose his job.] until you are sure and have a plan before telling the child the result.
4. Worries about Children
Did he encounter difficulties in making friends? Haven’t he read yet? These things are suitable for parents to communicate alone or discuss with teachers, schools and psychological consultants, and are not suitable for children to hear.
5. Issues that have been quarreled with
Mom and Dad should learn from their mistakes. If you know the topic is very sensitive, make sure to discuss it when the child is away.
In fact, bad emotions are inevitable. It is very difficult to achieve peace without any quarrels in the family. Instead of suppressing emotions, it is better to learn to quarrel appropriately, which will give children more opportunities to learn how to deal with conflicts.