Many parents will inevitably have such distress:
The daughter is very good outside, but she is a little overlord at home. She has a very bad temper, is disobedient and can’t say how to fight. She even uses self-mutilation to resist.
What should I do in this situation?
Many parents are trying to understand their children’s contradictory behavior in various ways. They told Clove’s mother that they have listened to many suggestions, including recommendations, asking their children to do psychological counseling, and trying to “have a good talk” with their children. Are these suggestions really reliable?
When considering these suggestions, you should think about, do the people who put forward these statements really understand the specific situation of your children? Since I don’t understand, why don’t I interpret the child’s behavior myself?
In fact, it is not without reason that children appear [clever outside and irascible at home].
The problem is not the emotion itself.
The fact that a child behaves as a “little bully” at home is not the crux of the problem in itself. Parents are not troubled by [occasional irritability] and [occasional irritability and occasional irritability and occasional irritability and occasional irritability and occasional irritability and occasional irritability and occasional irritability and occasional irritability and occasional irritability and occasional irritability and occasional irritability and occasional irritability and occasional irritability and occasional irritability and occasional irritability and occasional irritability and occasional irritability and occasional irritability and occasional irritability and occasional
Whose child has no character yet? This one is more stubborn and that one is more solid. This one may be ostentatious, but that one is a bit too delicate.
Two parents are talking about their children at the same time. One of them is worried that his children are too lively and will affect his later study. The other on the right is worried that his child is too introverted and will delay his interpersonal communication in the future.
In fact, neither of the two children has any clinical problems. It is normal for the children to have a little emotion. Parents do not need to worry too much.
To take a step back, even if some emotions and thoughts go out of line, adults intervene and help children change.
The key is the lack of consistency and consistency in children’s behaviors.
The factor that really brings troubles to parents is actually the [contradiction of behavior rules] shown by the situation of children [little overlord at home]-why do children behave differently in different occasions and in front of people?
This is the problem that parents should pay more attention to. Even if you are a child, you should not be too free to do things. You do not distinguish between occasions and circumstances when dealing with people. How can parents withstand what is going on and what is going on?
The child can recite 20 ancient poems, and every time he is asked to recite them to the guests, he clearly means that he will not, and then he will not recite them.
What a distress, why did he deliberately cheat me, let me down?
This distress, to be more specific, is the gap between children’s [unwarranted] behaviors and parents’ [well-founded] expectations.
Understanding this gap from two levels
Children’s Erroneous Interpretation of Situations
Many children will have untrue emotional experiences for a variety of reasons, possibly because they do not understand social rules, or because they are traumatized, or because they have mistakenly extended parents’ words.
In fact, when the child was a little overlord, he felt uncomfortable. He also cried with a snot and tears, not to be a little overlord for the pleasure of being a little overlord.
Parents need to have a way of thinking that [looks at essence through phenomena].
It may not be a bad habit or bad mood for a child to become a “little overlord” as soon as he enters the house. It may be a problem caused by a wrong interpretation of the situation.
When interpreting the situation, we should pay more attention to the mismatch between the child’s emotional experience and the current situation, rather than directly discussing the right and wrong of the emotional experience itself.
Children’s dissatisfaction with family decisions
The outbreak of children’s [little overlord] emotions is also likely to stem from dissatisfaction with some specific decisions in family life.
In fact, parents may not realize that their children have already developed a self-concept unconsciously-even if this self-concept is extremely immature.
To give an inappropriate analogy, if parents are the mainstream ruling party in the family and children are the emerging opposition parties, he will not knock with his parents without pulling him into the family circle. Who will he knock with?
The military forces did not move, but the grain and fodder came first. If you don’t take others as your own, you will always look at children like the Jade Emperor looks at splash monkeys, so don’t blame the children for making havoc in heaven.
Some people often say that [home is a place to talk about feelings, not to be reasonable]. Many people misunderstand it as [just talk about feelings at home, not to be reasonable], which is absurd.
Home is a place to be reasonable.