The daughter is four years old. Of course, in the eyes of her family, she cannot be more beautiful or better. Her friends praised the party every day for its adoration, beauty and intelligence. However, apart from these praises that cannot be taken too seriously, her daughter has yet to show what’s extraordinary talent, nor has she seen the beautiful virtue that other children in what do not have.
Therefore, my article is definitely not a successful case of child-rearing, but the growth experience of an ordinary mother.
If you are a perfectionist and planning maniac, being a mother is the most desperate job in the world. Not only because children saliva, snot and scribble, but also because they are changeable, you cannot control children and even have limited influence.
Too much care about what others think will only annoy you.
If you are a person who cares especially about other people’s opinions, being a mother must also be annoying.
Since the beginning of pregnancy, countless people have tried to tell you that you should be what and not what:
Whether you can drink coffee, wear high heels, shave your fetal hair, how much effort you should make to insist on breast-feeding, whether children should wear more or less than adults, whether it is useful to take a music class, whether you should be poor or rich, how old you should start reading and reading, whether you are irresponsible mothers who often work overtime and travel, and so on…
Trying to comment on your mother-in-law who has your closest relatives, With your mother-in-law, Doctors with academic authority, parenting experts, There is a monthly spouse, a child-rearing spouse, There are all kinds of acquaintances that you don’t think of in your heart, There are also your best friends who talk about everything, Even admire the enviable fashion hot mom, classmates or female bosses with perfect career and family. In addition, don’t forget the parents/aunts/grandmothers of other children in the community, as well as the parents/aunts/grandmothers of other children you ran into in the hospital amusement park kindergarten, even the doormen, cleaners, shopping mall salesmen, taxi drivers and other passers-by…
Most of their opinions or suggestions come from kindness, hoping that you will benefit from their knowledge and experience. But sometimes not all of them are so kind, just because they like to criticize and criticize. The most radical people sometimes want to make sure that they have made the right choices, especially those that are not easy-such as quitting to be a stay-at-home mother (or being a mother and rushing forward in the workplace), such as sending their children to international schools (or public schools).
It doesn’t matter what what is chosen. What matters is that people often overwhelmingly support the choices they have made and criticize and crack down on all inconsistent behaviors. All kinds of appalling examples such as [4 months of maternity leave made me regret 40 years] [How Chinese education destroyed children] are their favorite propaganda…
No matter what other people’s intention is what, if you care what others say and think, this is an endless torture.
When my mother taught me not to pay too much attention to other people’s opinions,
Because of these troubles, when my mother taught me many things that I could not do before, taught me not to pay too much attention to other people’s opinions, and was firm and strong in the face of criticism.
Since I became pregnant with my daughter five years ago, I have been surprised to find that giving birth/looking after a small life will bring me so much attention, both I want and I don’t want.
I once quarreled and got off the bus halfway with a taxi driver who kept trying to convince me that the child must shave off his fetal hair. I got into war with a goddess leader who loved and treated me most, because she firmly believed that [breast milk will be available as long as she persisted] and gave me a milk pump worth thousands of dollars as encouragement. After struggling day and night for five months, I still could not produce 200 milliliters of milk a day and finally collapsed.
Looking back now, I was not so much resentful of others as overreacting because I doubted myself and blamed myself.
The cruel fact is: when you are a mother, some people think that what you do is wrong and not good enough.
But it is also because of this, in fact, what you do is right and good.
Be confident, believe in your own judgment, choose a comfortable mode, and accept the advantages and disadvantages of your choice. If you are happy, listen to other people’s opinions, and if you are not happy, go in one ear and out the other. Smile when you are in a good mood, and walk away when you are in a bad mood.
After all, this is your life, your children, what do you have to do with others?
When my mother taught me to appreciate people different from me,
Since I was a child, I was extroverted and lively. I was the kind of child whose teacher commented on [cheerful, generous, warm and friendly] every year. Later, workplace education also emphasized [teamwork, self-expression, good at socializing…], so I could accommodate others’ introversion/calmness/distance/dislike of excitement, but I always didn’t like it.
But when my daughter was very young, I began to see that she was not the kind of sunny child I hoped: She is very alert, refuses to greet strangers, takes a long time to get close to other children, doesn’t like crowded places often think [too noisy], sits at home alone turning over books and puzzles for a long time and doesn’t go out to play, occasionally learning to ride bicycles and mice is also extremely cautious.
But I loved her so much that for the first time I wholeheartedly accepted these characters that I did not appreciate.
I slowly understood that what she said had gone through a lot of thinking relative to her age. The emotion she expressed was prudent and true. She was not willing to cooperate with some social activities. She didn’t mean to be embarrassed, but she really didn’t like it. She seemed lonely and timid, but in fact she had a small world of freedom and happiness.
I no longer ask, no longer worry, really love her as she is. As a by-product, I found that my tolerance and acceptance of the people around me have also greatly increased.
In addition to my character, I have also changed a lot in another small matter. I care more about the appearance of my clothes. I care about the color and style of my daughter’s clothes/blankets/bedding/carts/bibs/shoes, hats and even diapers. I strive to have the goods and match them harmoniously. Naturally, there is no less conflict with my grandmother who helps to take care of my daughter.
However, since my daughter began to have her own will to wear what when she was two years old, I have completely lost control of this battle. With her own hobbies, she is often covered in bright colors, full of Mickey Mouse/Hello Kitty/Disney Princess and other colorful patterns, which are totally out of control.
From the initial arbitrariness and hard persuasion, I skillfully gave her [freedom within the frame] (selecting two or three choices that were OK in advance for her to choose), until I finally accepted that giving her the confidence and right to choose was more important than making her wear clothes that adults thought looked good.
Being a mother also taught me to admit my inability.
Like all mothers, if possible, of course I hope my daughter will do well, win gold medals in Olympic mathematics, win piano awards, go to the Ivy League, become a fair lady, and date reliable young people. But I also know that it is not up to me to decide whether she will become what.
In fact, children who are [so much better than themselves]/have poured countless love and resources/who are stronger and smarter from birth than they were when they were young may never reach the same height as themselves when they grow up. This is hard for parents to accept, especially those who have been outstanding and victorious all their lives.
However, for those parents who stipulated when their children were in kindergarten that they should go to the Ivy League on the East Coast of the United States or Stanford on the West Coast, and whether they should be lawyers or artists, I still want to say [everyone thinks too much]-even if we are lawyers or accomplished artists from Harvard and Stanford, we cannot care about the results like this.
Of course, this does not prevent me from continuing my efforts to save money for my daughter to read Ivy League, from being a bad person to force her to take piano and ballet lessons, from taking her to travel to museums to see performances, and from reading books that she can understand and cannot understand every day… I will continue to do all that I should and can do as a mother, and give all that I should and can give.
But knowing what I can’t do, knowing that giving is not necessarily related to the result, I decided not to feel guilty for what I can’t do, and I also decided not to be distressed by the result.
We cannot guarantee the child’s final achievement or happiness, but all the time and love we give should ensure that we are happy and attached to each other for more than ten years together, that the child’s initial warm memory is guaranteed, and that he will always have a little certainty in his heart in the uncertain world in the future, which is enough.
I have a female colleague who has two boys in her family. She once said a word that impressed me deeply: [China does not lack excellent mothers, what is lacking is normal mothers]. I hope I can be the normal mother, the relaxed, accepting children and accepting myself, calm and calm mother.
This may be the best mother.
Finally, I would like to share the philosophical and poetic < < children > > of Ji Bolun, the richest man:
Your children, in fact, are not your children.
They are children born of life’s desire for itself.
They came to this world through you, but not because of you.
They are by your side, but they do not belong to you.
What you can give them is your love, but not your thoughts.
Because they have their own ideas
You can protect their bodies, but not their souls.
Because their souls belong to tomorrow, to tomorrow you can’t dream of reaching.
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