Every family reunion is a good time for the elders to urge the younger generation to marry. In order to find a good way, Dr. Clove talked with a psychologist (WeChat public number: Xinlijibing).
What do parents who urge marriage think?
Doctor Clove: Well, many young women who have been urged to marry by their parents and aunts have come backstage to ask for help recently. I don’t know what to do. Do you have any suggestions?
Psychiatrist: Oh? I would suggest that they roll their eyes directly on the basis of economic independence…
Doctor clove: roll, I am a doctor clove, how can I be reduced to the correct posture of teaching fans to roll their eyes…
Psychiatrist: All right, all right, let me be serious. First of all, it is suggested that they think from the standpoint of their parents.
Psychiatrist: On the one hand, when parents suggest this, they naturally feel that [people who get married are happy]. Then we can present facts and reason things out, telling parents that marriage is not the key to happiness. The simplest thing is to say that our parents and mother must have complained many times [I am blind to marry you], and our father must have complained about [how to marry a woman like you].
Psychologist: On the other hand, the parents’ generation got married more by [organization introduction] and more by [matchmaking’s words]. We Chinese felt from our ancestors that [people have to get married and establish a stable family]. Our generation of marriage is [the burial place of love]. How rare love is! How can you just say knot?
Where is happiness?
Dr. Clove: What is the key to happiness?
Psychologist: The key lies in spiritual satisfaction.
Some people are temporarily satisfied with the material they desire. For example, delicious cakes, Fancy bags, shoes, gloves, Tourist opportunities and souvenirs somewhere-of course, Many people also satisfied their desire for vanity when they took photos in this area. However, such satisfaction is temporary. Compared with the [satisfaction] obtained through external evaluation criteria, it brings more [dissatisfaction]. Only when one’s evaluation of oneself is internalized and stable can one feel safe and satisfied. Whether one gets married or not is an external evaluation. Whether it has grown more [mature] is an internal evaluation.
[Love] Is what?
Dr. Clove: You said love is rare, then you said [love] is what?
Psychologist: There are many popular interpretations of [love is …] on the Internet. Psychologists believe that mature love should have three elements at the same time: passion, commitment and intimacy. Only commitment and intimacy are left-handed and right-handed all one’s life. Many of our parents are like this. Only passion and commitment, that is the primary school students carved on the table [I love you all my life]; Only passion and intimacy, it was a short fireworks on the journey, only beautiful yesterday…
Doctor Clove: Can you be more ridiculous… … …
Psychologist: No, this is a serious psychological theory! Also, there is only promise, that is empty love, that is, matchmaking’s words, strange bedfellows; Only passion is 419. Only intimacy means [you are a good person]… Do you know how difficult it is to have commitment, passion and intimacy at the same time? You think about so many people on the earth, where it is possible that every young man in his 20s who has just entered society will happen to meet people who have sparks with each other. Without love, get married in what.
What if you are forced to go on a blind date?
Doctor Clove: Here I am again. I gave them advice with your theory. A girl said that her parents said that love can be cultivated, so she was told to go on a blind date. She was almost worried to death.
Psychologist: Oh, tell her not to reject blind dates. Dating is actually a good way to expand the circle of friends. Yes, love can really be cultivated, but first two people have to be interested in each other.
Dr. Clove: Well, don’t deviate from the theme. This is still a disguised form of marriage promotion.
Psychologist: This requires the girl to adjust her mind. First of all, she has to have a plan for her own life so that she can not be led by the nose. Does she know that the baby born after 35 is an elderly parturient? Well, yes, we all have the right to choose our lifestyle, but choices are always accompanied by risks, which not everyone is aware of, because most people have too much experience in being replaced by others to make choices.
Marry, have children, decide what to do?
Dr. Clove: For example?
Psychiatrist: For example, if you are determined not to have children in your life, Then you have to bear the pressure from your family. Girls will face social discrimination ([there must be something wrong with not getting married at this age]), while boys will suffer more pressure from their families and hidden discrimination suspected of being homosexuals. However, it is also good not to have children. They are financially better off, more free and can live according to their own wishes.
Psychiatrist: For example, If you are determined to have children, But I want to talk about it after my career is stable. There are many medical risks. On the one hand, Not only are older children more likely to have complications during pregnancy and childbirth, And children are also more prone to deformities. On the other hand, In this society, The older the woman gets, the narrower the choice of spouse, Even beautiful women, As you get older, you will also find that the [market] is shrinking. Even if you find a good spouse when you are young, As time went by, There are no children in the family as ties, because the possibility of emotional changes due to external factors and family conflicts will also increase. However, it is also beneficial. Older parents are more able to raise babies with stable personality and excellent ability, which have the role of genes and family background, as well as the factors of parents’ own mental maturity.
Young people should fall in love more.
Doctor clove: OK. There is also a girl who said that her first love was too unforgettable, so she didn’t choose a blind date for several years.
Psychiatrist: Ah. You can tell her, We will not fall in love with only one person in our whole life. In fact, we all love a certain kind of people. Even in fact, it is a completely different group of people. Some people say that when looking for someone, one must look for someone with complementary personalities. Others said they wanted to find like-minded people, In fact, this is all right. From the statistical point of view, people with the same interests have been together for more than five years, getting married together more, and communicating with each other more smoothly. However, this does not mean that other pairing methods will not work. In fact, the process of finding a partner is also a process of better understanding oneself. In order to grow up well, one should also talk more about love.
Doctor Clove: Ha ha! Not to say that [love that does not aim at marriage is all hooliganism], what do you think of this?
Psychiatrist: I think so, Marriage that does not take love as its process is hooliganism. Marriage and divorce in China are really not as simple as the separation of two people. However, it involves two families. Therefore, it is very important to find a partner who can chat, laugh and fart together in bed, who has room for each other and can enjoy intimacy at the same time, who can refuse temptation while trusting each other. To find such a person, of course, one must choose slowly.
Did you look cross-eyed? Here are some dating tips for you
Dr. Clove: Let me send our chat records directly as articles… so that I don’t have to answer them one by one… finally give young women a dating tip?
Psychiatrist: Clams? ! Well… hello, everyone, welcome to pay attention to dr. Clove’s [psychologist] (micro signal: xinlijibing), here is a dating tip for you:
Whether you like it or not, we are really more likely to be attracted by people similar to ourselves first, such as personality characteristics, income level, daily hobbies, etc.
[Good-looking] is really important, which includes appearance and dress-but it does not mean that [ugly has no way to live], it is OK to learn makeup and collocation, and there is a saying that beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.
People who are cheerful, have their own insistence on certain details, properly express their three views and attitude towards life similar to each other, and expose the minor shortcomings of [I am an ordinary human] are more popular in dating.
Just like the influence of advertising, if two people see each other many times in a period of time, especially if they find that their work place or residence is so close to each other, it will make people like it more, and of course, it will also make people hate it more.
Facial expressions and body postures also affect each other’s intimacy with you. For example, continuous eye contact, imitation of each other’s little tricks and leaning forward body can all be used to convey feelings.
Stimulating common experiences can quickly heat up feelings, such as running hand in hand, riding a roller coaster together, and watching a horror movie. If both parties show team spirit and let the other party feel [giving], it will help deepen feelings.