You don’t like a friend of your child’s and think that your child always suffers from playing with him/her? Worried that the child will learn bad after him/her? Experts believe that children under 12 do need parents’ advice when choosing friends.
How do you care, the answer is here.
When it comes to intervention, it must intervene decisively.
I really didn’t think I would interfere with children’s friendship before. I thought that parents’ interference in children’s friendship was like interference in freedom of love and marriage, and was a manifestation of autocracy.
But I intervened, and I was glad I did. I told Dalin that we would not go to his classmate H’s house, not to his birthday party, and he would not come to Dalin’s party. This is my reason:
First of all, the H family lacks basic courtesy and social knowledge. This will bring bad influence to Dalin. Every time we go to H’s house to play, his house is dirty and messy. We have to use the bathroom and find that the towels inside have not been hung there for long. I don’t care whether his house is spacious, modern and beautiful, but knowing that there are guests, why can’t we tidy up in advance?
Secondly, H has obvious violent tendency, This will affect Dalin’s mental health development. H likes to hit people, And very fierce, Without warning. H looked introverted, It is also very polite to say hello to each other. However, quiet, he inexplicably beat Dalin’s good friend Mike. The strong boy B was beaten and Dalin was also beaten. The mothers of the other two children said that they did not know why H hit his own children, and the children did not understand. But before understanding why H hit people, it is more important to protect Dalin from harm and prevent Dalin from being affected and becoming violent.
Thirdly, I don’t agree with Mother H’s education method. After H beat Dalin, His mother asked H to apologize, Then he said: [He is so ruthless because he often plays with children much older than him.] Look at my distressed face, She added, [Parents should laugh at such things, otherwise parents’ nervousness will lead to children’s nervousness.] I was startled, ordinary slapstick really need not make a fuss, but H’s behavior is already violent in my eyes, so I can’t laugh it off!
Did I overreact? Or is it really inappropriate to make such friends? As parents, should we interfere with our children’s choice of friends? If so, how should we intervene?
Of course, there are experts to give us advice on these major issues.
Dr. Matthew Goldfein, a clinical child psychologist at Columbia University’s Anxiety and Related Diseases Clinic, gave the following advice on how parents should treat their children’s five categories of [unreliable] friends in an interview with staff at Oprah.com, Oprah Oprah’s website.
Five Categories of [Unreliable] Friends
1. Potential Bad Children
In the eyes of parents, these bad children are naughty and often punished by teachers, but in the eyes of our children, these bad children may be [interesting] spokesmen. Dr. Goldfein said that this is the kind of unreliable friends that parents are most worried about. Parents’ worries are not without reason.
So, when should what intervene? Every parent has the most intolerable behavior bottom line in his heart. When we listen to the child saying that this [cool friend] not only did naughty things himself, but also pulled the child into the water, we must intervene decisively. If the child’s [cool friend] likes to provoke or even hurt others and oppose authority, parents should also pay more attention.
If [cool friends] don’t specialize in anti-social and dangerous behaviors, but just like to make a fool of themselves and make people crazy, Dr. Goldfein thinks it’s OK to make friends with such friends. [Being friends now doesn’t mean being friends forever], children think quickly and parents don’t have to worry too much about such friendships.
2. Unhygienic friends
If the child’s friends just don’t speak hygiene, Dr. Goldfein believes that parents can not interfere in a hurry. They can wait for their children to find out the problems themselves. For example, when you go home and ask your parents why their friends always wear dirty clothes, parents can take the opportunity to teach their children the importance of hygiene. As long as this friend does not make our children untidy, and our children think that the advantages of friends outweigh the disadvantages, parents should give their children the right to develop friendship.
3. A paranoid friend
If children’s friends like to play with insects, study life on Mars, or just like to play with drawers opened and closed, opened and closed, should we interfere?
Some parents like to label other people’s children, and seeing such children feels that they have obsessive-compulsive disorder what. However, Dr. Goldfein believes that it is not harmful for children to make friends with these small hobbies. Parents must not impose interference on such harmless friendship, otherwise it will only arouse the child’s rebellious attitude and make him leave you.
Step 4: A clingy friend
Some friends always stick to your children. What should I do?
Dr. Goldfein said it was a good sign, This shows that your child is popular and has social talent. As long as the child is not bored, let him go. If the child feels too bored and wants to get rid of this friend, parents can take the opportunity to teach the child how to consider other people’s feelings, how to develop friendship with others without hurting the friend’s feelings, and cultivate the child’s social skills.
5. A friend who knows everything
We all like other people’s intelligent and knowledgeable children and hope our children will make more friends with such children. But if this omniscient friend not only shares astronomy and geography with your children, but also starts to teach your children to use dirty words, then you really have to be careful!
Dr. Goldfein advised parents to pay attention to their children’s words and deeds. If they find that their children use inappropriate words, they should openly explain the meaning of these words to their children and tell them why we do not advocate using these words.
Honesty may mean that you have to advance some education (such as sex education) by a year or two, but only in this way can parents win back the initiative, instead of letting that [omniscient] friend in school educate your children.
How do parents talk to their children when they interfere?
1. Concise points
Dr. Edward Halovell, an expert on ADHD who graduated from Harvard University, believes that when talking to their children, parents should make the conversation simple and to the point.
For example, if you don’t like a friend of your child, you can communicate with the child like this and tell the child: [Your friend has been kicking the tea table all the time. I told him not to kick and he didn’t listen. I don’t like his behavior like that. Can you tell me why you like this friend? ]
Perhaps after a sincere talk with the child, the child will also find that his friend’s behavior is inappropriate and willing to reduce contact with him.
Step 2 Listen
Dr. Kristen Cuttle suggested listening to children more and finding problems from them.
For example, why do children get bored with a friend who plays video games all day? Perhaps after the conversation, you find that this is the only video game fan in the school who is willing to take a reason to your children.
3. Targeting improper behavior, not children’s friends
Professor Lawrence Steinberg of Philadelphia, USA, is the author of several parenting monographs. He specifically reminds parents to target improper behaviors that you disapprove of, not children’s friends, when talking.
Don’t label your child’s friends casually and use offensive words to describe them. For example, you can say: “Every time he comes to our house, you two play a lot of violent video games. I hope you will reduce your contact with him.”
In fact, children are very concerned about what their parents think of their friends. Parents, don’t hesitate to do it when it is time to do it!