As a new mother, what should you do when the baby cries?
Many people may have told you their clever plan. Among such suggestions, the most destructive one is: [Let the baby cry enough].
This advice rarely works, but it is very common. If blindly followed, it will usually only make the mother numb and cause undue cracks between the mother and the child.
Many studies have found that the more time babies spend with their parents, the better the parent-child relationship will develop. Mothers should not make their children cry enough, but they should not always make it an obligation to stop crying.
There are no specific regulations on whether or not to let the child cry and how long to let the child cry. Parents should decide according to their actual situation. I hope the following contents can help parents find appropriate ways to deal with the baby’s crying.
[Let the baby cry enough], the result is not what you want
The suggestion of [making the baby cry enough] is very popular because it is backed by [reinforcement principle]. Simply put, if an act is not strengthened (there is no response), then it will disappear; If an act is reinforced (responded to), it will repeat.
This makes sense on the surface, but there are obvious mistakes in the way babies cry.
First, the reinforcement principle assumes that crying is a bad behavior that needs to be eliminated, not a signal that needs to be listened to. Second, relevant research does not believe that parents’ direct neglect can stop babies crying.
Many babies did not learn to be quiet, but learned some more annoying communication methods. And those babies who [cry enough] have played a role, their desire to communicate has also been eliminated. In addition to understanding that their crying is worthless, they think that they are also worthless. This lays the foundation for distrust, and a life of distrust is bound to be unhappy.
If you have an urgent message to spread and the most trusted person stops listening first, will you feel what?
When you want to send a very important message and need help, others ignore you, will you feel what?
Your information is of no value to the listener. The listener does not care about your conclusion. Will you have what reaction?
You may shout loudly, Make yourself annoying so that the person who hears it will come and help you. At this time, you are already very angry, stop sending your message, swear to stop relying on anyone, and even think you are not worth listening to. The baby with this change may be labeled as a “good baby” because he will not disturb others again.
For some babies, the advice of “cry enough” seems to work because they do cry less. These babies may be the more obedient type, the “easy-going” baby, while those who are not “good” will suffer more.
These high-demand babies will not compromise. Many mothers have found that if they try the advice of [crying enough], the baby will keep crying until both the mother and the baby collapse.
In fact, many mothers once made their babies cry enough in despair, but later admitted frankly: “I will never do that again.”
The theory of spoilage is not credible.
Many people worry that responding to the baby’s crying will spoil the baby. However, as early as the 1970s, parenting experts did relevant research and believed that the [spoiling] theory should be completely abandoned.
They studied two groups of mothers and infants:
In the first group, the mother gave a timely and loving response to the baby’s crying.
In the second group, mothers have more reservations about their responses.
The study found that the first group of children used crying less as a means of communication when they were one year old. They looked closer to their mother, felt more secure, had better communication skills, lost their temper less, and did not control others.
The study pointed out that babies who receive safe, intimate upbringing and timely love responses will become less clingy and their parents will be much easier.
More studies have impacted the spoil theory. All these studies show that babies who do not respond promptly tend to cry harder.
Don’t confuse education with control
Another reason why [cry enough] advice is so far-reaching is that it is packaged as a basic educational principle. This view leads parents to believe that if their children are not allowed to cry enough, they are cowardly parents and will always be trampled under their feet.
This is actually confusing education with control. In this parental cybernetics, babies’ temperament and personality do not matter, and they do not make any sound in their parents’ control.
But in fact, it will destroy the foundation of the whole family education: knowing your child and creating a trust relationship between you and your child. Even the newborn can learn the most basic principle of trust: comfort after worry, so home is a place full of love and response.
On the contrary, [crying enough] has created a rift between the baby and the parents, which will make it more difficult to educate the child.
Crying is not good for the lungs
Another ridiculous statement is: “Let the child cry-it is good for his lungs.”
Studies have shown that crying regardless of children can cause arrhythmia and lower oxygen content in their blood. When these children are comforted and stop crying, the cardiovascular system will quickly return to normal, which indicates that the baby is back to good physiological condition.
If the baby is not comforted, his physiology and psychology will be in a depressed state, even affecting his growth and development.
[Crying Enough] Will Make Mother Numb,
The suggestion of [crying enough] is not only harmful to the baby, but also harmful to the mother.
We interviewed hundreds of mothers, 95% of whom believed that the suggestion of [crying enough] was contrary to their intuition and made them feel [wrong].
In fact, apart from being physically harmful to the baby, the advice of [crying enough] is also not beneficial to the mother’s physiology. The baby’s crying is very special and will affect the chemical reaction in the mother’s body. There is no other sound in the world that can affect the mother to produce such strong feelings. Therefore, the crying of the child itself is to make the mother respond.
If she goes against her basic intuition, [be hard-hearted towards the little tyrant], she will gradually become more and more numb to the baby’s language, eventually making it more and more difficult for parents to get along with the child in the future.
Parents should have confidence
If you have responded positively to the baby’s crying and tried every means to make him feel safe, but he still cried, don’t think it was your own fault.
To be honest, this is beyond your control. Of course, you should continue to learn new knowledge to help your baby, such as changing your diet, learning new ways to hold your baby, or taking your child to see a doctor in time when you find some abnormal conditions.
There must be times when you don’t know why your baby is crying. At this time, the baby may just feel nervous when crying. Even if all kinds of methods are still useless, you don’t have to feel desperate.
Although babies cry to express their needs, new parents should know that the way they cry is also a reflection of their own personality.
Therefore, don’t be angry because the baby cries. What parents need to do is to create a good environment, give the baby a caring and relaxed shoulder, and explore the reasons for their crying and how to deal with it. Don’t let the baby cry alone. The rest depends on the baby himself.
Responsible Editor: Fu Ting
The article was reprinted under the authorization of < < Sears Orange Parent-Child Class > >, with deletions.