Some people say that asking the elderly to take care of their children requires communication and negotiation. However, the essence of negotiation is to compromise with each other, but it is very difficult for the elderly who think that [I am a former person, of course I know how to raise children] to compromise.
This is also why there are many ways to solve the problem in theory, but they do not work in reality.
Many elders find it difficult to accept new ideas.
One of the prerequisites for negotiation is to clarify each other’s views and understand each other’s views. However, this generation of old people often cannot understand new and scientific viewpoints.
-
Scientific experiments and data are invisible to them, and it is better to have the granddaughter of Lao Zhang’s family next door raised [science].
-
They do not understand that [normal distribution curve] also has two extremes, believing that as long as it is different from most people, it is abnormal.
-
They think that the United Nations Children’s Fund, the American Academy of Pediatrics and even all kinds of knowledge from abroad are only suitable for Westerners and have different constitutions from those of the East, so they cannot be copied to children.
-
They think that when children are ill, they should drink traditional Chinese medicine that [has no side effects and treats both the symptoms and root causes], while western medicine that takes effect quickly not only has large side effects, but also [cannot cure the root causes];
-
They believe in QQ space and circle of friends as well as the contents of [the first few] in Baidu search results, and think that it is the real [way to preserve one’s health] [way to live a long life]. They eat raw onions, raw garlic and ginger in different ways every day.
-
They don’t understand that children’s physiological structure is different from that of adults, so once children have a fever, they need to [cover their sweat] or [wipe with alcohol], and even kiss children mouth to mouth to infect their chronic diseases to children…
No matter how much you elaborate, they cannot understand it, then it is useless.
The authority of some elders is inviolable.
The second prerequisite for negotiation is that both sides can adjust their views. However, the vast majority of the old people think that this is not a problem of [different views], but a problem of [children want to revolt, Lao Zi cannot give in].
-
For them, it is only natural that [father/mother orders son to follow], [I said what, just be what, that’s enough], and they don’t communicate with you at all.
-
Even if you try to clarify your point of view in the communication and refute the old man’s point of view calmly and respectfully, they will only feel [this boy’s wings are hard and disobedient], thus thinking that their authority as a parent has been offended, and then trying to mix you into their chaotic logic.
-
If it doesn’t work, they will directly throw their faces and face down, give you a bunch of big hats such as [disrespect and unfilial], and cause diseases of the elderly in disputes, such as sudden rise in blood pressure, feeling uncomfortable or even suddenly unable to breathe, etc.-it is difficult for you not to compromise at this time.
Some elders have difficulty abiding by the agreement.
The third prerequisite for negotiation is that after both parties reach an agreement, they will abide by the agreement and implement it. But the old people often play tricks behind their backs.
-
Behind the back of parents secretly give children too much unhealthy snacks, secretly take children to watch TV for a long time-these practices can simply and effectively make children [like] them, attachment to them;
-
When parents educate their children, once the children start crying, the elderly often can’t help jumping out to intervene, and the way they intervene is to refute or resist the parents’ practices, although doing so directly reduces the authority of the parents in the children’s mind, thus making the children even more unconstrained.
One word [I am your father] is worth a thousand words.
The fourth premise of the negotiation is that both sides are in an equal position.
You can choose your friends, but you cannot choose your parents. You and your parents are not equal in nature, so once you meet the old man [I am your father/mother], the weight you can negotiate will be virtually dispelled.
You see, this is the biggest difference between parent-child relationship and friend relationship: friends get together because they share the same interests, while parent-child relationship is involuntary.
Especially for friends who have been living in big cities since college, our three views have undergone earth-shaking changes compared with high school.
In the company unit is originally can be independent personnel, but when they return home, they have to stay with the old people [think they know me very well], according to the old people’s outdated wishes, follow the living conditions when they are not out of custody.
Must our standards be correct?
However, if the elderly are the main caregivers of the children, you are not qualified to complain too much: for the elderly who are not as good as you in physical strength, energy and knowledge, it is very good to take care of the children originally as [having fun] [taking care of them easily] [eating well and sleeping well]-you should consider this result before giving the children to the elderly.
They have already put up with all kinds of hardships to bring you up and start a family. Now they are still asking them by their own standards when their qualities are not as good as before. It is really too much.
Many problems of principle in your opinion, as long as they are not medical and doting problems, the elderly’s practice is not necessarily bad. Even pediatricians have different opinions on many child-rearing problems.
- For example, many pediatricians suggest that children should sleep in separate beds with adults, while Dr. Sears recommends that children and adults share sleep. The United Nations Children’s Fund did not make a choice, but gave different suggestions based on the two sleep modes of separate beds and the same bed. For example, the current popular parenting view holds that children should wean from night milk at 6 months old, but many children who drink night milk until the age of 2 still sleep well and grow well.
Moreover, the principle of “scientific parenting” adhered to by parents may not be really scientific if it comes from the unreliable “big V of parenting”.
- For example, some parents have been using cooking machines to break food for their children until they are one and a half years old, seriously affecting the eruption of children’s teeth and the loss of deciduous teeth in the future. However, most elderly people have long advised their children to slowly transition to the same food as adults. For example, Some parents enroll their children in expensive early education classes or buy early education machines, but these early education classes are not necessarily reliable, and the so-called “early education machines” do not have face-to-face and vivid communication with children and cannot really promote their early cognition and language development.
Therefore, the key is to define the [bottom line] of their own child-rearing. If the two sides cannot reach a consensus, try to raise their own children.
It’s not nice to say, but it’s very appropriate: [Mom/Dad what is fine, as long as they don’t live together.]
Once you hand over the responsibility of raising babies to the elderly, you can only set 1-2 principles that must be followed. For other things, don’t complain too much, and find ways to make up for and educate yourself.
It is much easier to communicate with your spouse.
The same is true for spouses, and since the status of both parties is basically equal, let’s just think that the three views are basically in line, so it is much easier to discuss with each other.
As for many parents who complain that their other half is difficult to communicate, it is suggested to read books such as < < Men from Mars, Women from Venus > >-you are originally completely different creatures, and don’t expect each other to raise children in the same way as you. At the same time, cultivate one’s empathy and put oneself in each other’s shoes.
Sometimes, this kind of communication and understanding is more like art and practice, which is beyond the scope of this answer. In fact, as long as the general principles are consistent, children can learn different qualities from their parents.